Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Dick & Harry Go to Beertopia...

Well guys, Saturday's Big Lick Beertopia festival has come and gone. I am sad to say I was not able to be present this year...

 I was attending a work conference in Buffalo, New York (more on the tales of that trip to follow), so in my absence I appointed two friends to check it out, and they were thoroughly impressed!

Before I let them delve into their debauchery from that day, I must preface that this website has NEVER been advertised, or intended, as a "family friendly" site. In the past my twisted humor and vulgarity has been allowed to come out - but it has been somewhat muted in comparison to what you are about to read...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

Take it away boys!

Adventures at Big Lick Brewtopia

June 9, 2012, Salem VA.  By Harry B. Allsac

Goddamn!  Welcome to my reflections on the Big Lick Brewtopia, June 9, 2012, Salem, Virginia.  This blessing of beerness was held at the Salem Red Sox Salem Memorial Stadium, LewisGale Field in Salem, Virginia and was sponsored in part by the Roanoke Jaycees.  To begin, I will point out a minor discrepancy in terminology, for anyone that gives a shit or who might be stupidly confused.  The Big Lick event website refers to this as “Beertopia” while the on-site signage and tasting glass bear the “Brewtopia” logo.  I don’t give a fuck if you call it beer or brew, so long as you fill my glass with it bitches!

Brewtopia went from 12pm to 6pm on Saturday, June 9, and 24 different breweries were on hand and pouring!  For a full listing of the brewers and other event details, visit the Big Lick website bitches, http://www.biglickbeertopia.com/breweries/

I happily attended this beer-a-palooza with my colleague Dick Shriver, who brought with him a free 10-pour entry ticket from Stay Thirsty (what, you couldn’t score two of them cocksucker?).  Due to Dick’s previous commitments, we didn’t hit the road to Salem until around 4pm.  We arrived, thirsty as fuck, at around 5pm.  The entry fees (for those of us who didn’t have free tickets cocksucker) were $25 for a 10-pour entry ticket.  I think it was $35 or $40 for a 20-pour ticket.  With around an hour to sample, I opted for the 10-pour.  At this point, I’m salivating like a fucking Pavlovian dog.

We entered the field at the entrance end and made our way to the Blue Lab tent.  Dick and I quickly determined to just make our way down the row of tents until we got to the other end.  We had decided that we would skip anything we’d previously tasted, and pass over anything that was consistently available to us locally.

This mother fuckin’ baseball field held a cornucopia of fine ass beers and a plethora of fine ass bitches!  I tried to evenly divide my focus between sucking down my beers and eye-fucking the hot bitches.  While enjoying my brew, I would say, “Mmmmm, Goddamn!”  I employed the same phraseology when a fine bitch walked by in her tight ass shorts or a skirt so high that she needed a fucking hair-net.  Subtle, no?  I was particularly fond of a blond in a black top and orange short-shorts (you can never go wrong with the Hooters color scheme).  And then there was this hot chick in a black and white striped tube dress.  As she walked by I informed my buddy Dick, “Mmm, mmm, mmm, look at this bitch in her prison-striped fuckin’ dress.  Goddamn, she can be my cellmate anytime!”

The attendants were friendly and professional overall.  Most gave pours that were right on the pour line, but a couple of them were generous with their libations.  Dick remarked that a female attendant at one tent practically “jacked off” his arm as she marked the pour off of his event bracelet.  Unfortunately, my arm was not similarly stroked.  Fuckin’ stuck up biatch!

I hear what you’re sayin’, “Jesus Christ, enough already, somebody get this horny mother fucker laid, I came here (so to speak) to read about beer!”  I couldn’t agree more!  Now that you’ve endured this shit, I’ll share my tasting notes (You can read more of my notes on “Untappd,” my username is NoFxLft2Gv).

We started with the Blue Lab Brewing Company, where I tried both of their offerings.

  • Blue Lab Hefeweizen – This Hef had an overall honey taste with some light citrus notes.  Konichiwa fuuuuckas!  4 out of 5 stars.
  • Blue Lab IPA – A grapefruit smell and taste with some sweeter fruit notes.  Nicely balanced Beertopia sample!  Konichiwa dickheads!  4 out of 5 stars.

Next we stopped at the Big Daddy’s Brewing Company Tent.

  • Big Daddy’s Sunshine White Ale – Smells like a frightened skunk’s anal mucus.  Tastes like cornflakes.  Konichiwa ass-clowns!  2 out of 5 stars.

Third up to bat was Highland Brewing Company!

  • Highland Brewing Company Black Mocha Stout – Fucking awesome!  Chocolate and coffee smell and taste.  Suuuuuuuck iiiiit and Konichiwa!  5 out of 5 stars (I guaran-Goddam-tee it)!

Feeling pretty good now as I’m continuing to check out some hos and drink up some pours!  A visit to the Wolf Hills Brewing Company tent is in order!

  • Wolf Hills White Blaze Honey Cream Ale – Tastes like honey with some floral notes.  Fuck you and Konichiwa!  3 out of 5 stars.
  • Wolf Hills IPA – Grapefruity as shit!  A strong IPA for fans of that type, could use some balance in my opinion.  One note.  Konichiwa ass pirates!  2 out of 5 stars.

Now here’s a cute, but slightly thick bitch passing by in a burgundy Virginia Tech t-shirt and tight ass jeans.  You know I’d fuck this wide-hipped biatch.  She passes by beckoning to her oblivious boyfriend to follow her.  I kindly offer to do so in his stead, but he finally pulls his head out of his ass and goes with her.  Oh well, on to the Victory Brewing Company tent.

  • Victory Summer Love – Grapefruity with some grain flavor.  Konichiwa whores!  3 out of 5 stars.
  • Victory Golden Monkey – Oh fuck my ass!  This is complex and tasty!  Citrus and butter with hints of grapefruit and honey, clove aftertaste.  Suck iiiiit hard and Konichiwa! 5 out of 5 stars!

Here I stop at the Heavy Seas Beer tent for a Land Ho! to drink!  And there are lots of land hos walking around up in this biatch whose juices I’d also like to drink.  Beer and big breasted bitches is such a nice combination!

  • Heavy Seas Land Ho! – Chocolate and grapefruit flavors.  Tastes like a brown ale.  Bite me and Konichiwa!  I originally gave this 2 out of 5 stars, but it really deserves a 3.

Starr Hill Brewing Company tent, here I come (so to speak).  I think this is where Dick got his arm serviced.

  • Starr Hill Saison – Fucking nice as fuck.  Buttery as shit with some underlying honey flavor.  Suck my ass and Konichiwa whores!  5 out of 5 stars.

By now, my buddy, Dick, is complaining that I’m focusing too much on the bitches and not enough on the brew.  To this I respond with a cheery “Fuck you!” and head to the Bull and Bones Brewhaus tent!

  • Bull and Bones Sun Lit Wit – Tastes like Fruit Loops cereal.  No shit!  Konichiwa bootie bandits!  3 out of 5 stars.
  • Bull and Bones The Lunch Pale Ale – One note.  Grapefruit.  Blow me and Konichiwa cock knockers! 2 out of 5 stars.

Here I stop to look around and there’s this granola eatin’ hippie bitch in a long ass dress that drags behind her like a fucking wedding train and wearin’ a fucking fedora.  She’s a broad shouldered, almost mannish lookin’ bitch.  I have to stop and stare after her with a perplexed look on my face, internally master debating whether I’d fuck her or not.  I eventually decide that I would.  Dick is not surprised.  On to The River Company tent!

  • The River Company Dumpster Dog Porter – Complex!  Coffee, chocolate, toffee, and smokey flavors.  Konichiwa muah fuckaaaaas!  4 out of 5 stars.

Now for a stop at the Southern Tier Brewing Company tent for their 2XIPA, which I’ve had before, but what the fuck, right?

  •  Southern Tier Brewing Company 2XIPA – One note.  Fucking grapefruit bitches.  Konichiwa whooooores!  3 out of 5 stars.

Eureka!  It’s the Founder’s Brewing Company tent!

  • Founder’s Brewing Company Cerise – Who poured their cherry Kool-Aid in my fucking beer?  Would be okay after yard work.  Konichiwa assholes.  2 out of 5 stars.

I rinse my pint glass at one of the all-too-far-spaced-apart-fucking water coolers and head over to the Legend Brewing Company tent.

  • Legend Brewing Company Brown Ale – Tastes like a watered down Guinness.  Konichiwa salad tossers!  2 out of 5 stars.
This is way more than 10 pours you may have noticed!  Well, Dick and I did a little divide and conquer action on these fucking beers, sharing some different pours with one another so as to maximize our tasting opportunities.  I ended up using my last pour on a second helping of the Highland Brewing Company Black Mocha Stout.  They even gave me some free coasters (Though I’d have preferred some more free beer, or a piece of ass.  Or both, simultaneously).  Ah, the sadness of an empty Brewtopia pint glass.  But if you think this means the day is over, you’re sadly mistaken!

From Brewtopia, we head on over to Hooters in Roanoke.  I thought I’d opt for a Yuengling, but our amazing waitress informed me they only had it in bottles.  I decided that bottles were for queers at this point in the day and asked what was on tap.  Sadly, as you may know, Hooters tap list sucks my ass.  However, they did have an Angry Orchard Cider Company Crisp Apple on tap, that neither Dick nor I had tried!

  • Angry Orchard Cider Company Crisp Apple – Post Beertopia dinner at Hooters (awesome waitress), this tastes like Welch’s apple juice.  Straight up.  Konichiwa whores!  4 out of 5 stars (although it really probably only deserves a 3, I was so busy looking at Hooters girls, I may have been more generous with my rating).
I had the “Build Your Own Burger” with Swiss, chili, bacon, mushrooms, lettuce, tomato, and onion.  I threw some ketchup on that biatch and was going to add BBQ sauce, but they were out.  So I tossed a little A1 on that mother fucker.  Tasty as fuuuuck!  Our waitress visited our table and chatted often (with her mesmerizing fucking beige colored eyes) and we learned that she’ll soon be starting on her Master’s degree and is apprehensive about her statistics class.  As a teacher of research methodologies at the doctoral level, I offered her a couple of my favorite stats related quotes which she asked me to write down for her (yes, I wrote my fucking phone number too).  “Not everything that matters can be measured, and not everything that can be measured matters.” – Unknown.  “There are three kinds of lies.  Lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Mark fucking Twain.  She said she loved these quotes and to keep an eye out for them as she would quote them on her Facebook page.  I pointed out that it would be hard for us to do that without knowing who she was on Facebook.  So she gave us her handle.  I’ll let you guys know how that goes!

Thus ends an adventurous Brewtopia, beer fuckin’ drinkin’ day biatches!  Konichiwa!